Most engagement rings are built around a single stone. A toi et moi ring has two, set side by side on one band. The name is French for “you and me”, and the two stones are often chosen to stand for two people, two birthstones or two moments that belong together.
It makes a good engagement ring, provided you choose stones that stand up to everyday wear and a setting that sits comfortably beside a wedding band. If you are still comparing it with a solitaire, a halo or a trilogy, start with our guide to how to find the right ring.
Where does the toi et moi come from?
The style is old. The best-known example is the ring Napoleon Bonaparte is said to have given Joséphine in 1796, with a diamond on one side and a sapphire on the other.
Can a toi et moi be an engagement ring?
Yes. Two stones are as much an engagement ring as one. The practical questions are about wearing it every day.
- It sits wide across the finger. Two stones side by side take up more room than one, so try it on and see how it feels beside the next finger.
- Set low, it catches less. A lower setting snags less on sleeves and gloves, which matters on a ring you rarely take off.
- Two stones mean two sets of claws. Each needs checking now and then, as on any ring. We check and re-tip claws at our own bench, and how to look after your jewellery explains what to look for.
- Give the stones a little room. Two stones touching can rub against each other, so a well-made toi et moi keeps them just apart, or protects each one in its own setting.
How do you choose the two stones?
Almost any two stones can work, so it helps to start from a pairing.
- A matching pair: two diamonds, natural or lab-grown, of the same shape and similar size. Balanced and classic. With pear shapes, the points can face each other or turn away, and each gives a different look.
- Two shapes: a round beside an oval, for example, for a pair that looks clearly deliberate.
- A diamond and a coloured stone: a diamond beside a sapphire, ruby or emerald, as in the story of Napoleon and Joséphine.
- A birthstone pair: one stone for each of you. Birthstones by month shows the stone for every month.
Should the two stones be the same size?
Stones of similar weight look balanced. If yours differ, make the difference clear enough to look deliberate rather than accidental. Carat measures weight, not width, so an oval or a pear will look larger on the finger than a round stone of the same weight. Compare the pair on the hand rather than on paper.
Which stones stand up to everyday wear?
Whatever you pair, think about how each stone wears, because the two may not stand up to daily life equally well. Here is how the stones you are most likely to consider compare.
| Stone | Everyday wear | Worth knowing |
|---|---|---|
| Diamond, natural or lab-grown | Stands up well | The hardest, at 10 on the Mohs scale |
| Sapphire | Stands up well | Just behind diamond in hardness |
| Ruby | Stands up well | Just behind diamond in hardness |
| Aquamarine | Hard enough for every day | A sharp knock can still chip it |
| Emerald | Needs a little care | Hard but brittle, so a protective setting helps |
| Tanzanite | Needs care | Softer, and can chip |
| Opal | Needs the most care | Softer still, and can crack |
None of this rules a stone out. It means choosing a protective setting and giving the ring a little care. If one of your two stones is on the softer side, ask us about the setting before you decide. Our gemstone rings show how each one looks.
Does a toi et moi need a special wedding band?
Often, yes, or at least a carefully chosen one. A toi et moi is wide across the top and its stones sit proud of the band, so a straight wedding band can leave a gap or press against the stones.
A band that curves around the stones solves it. In our workshop we can laser-scan your ring and design the band in 3D CAD to follow its shape. Our post on shaped wedding bands explains the options, from ready-made curved bands to bands made to fit.
Our advice: try the wedding band and the toi et moi together before you commit to either, so you know how the two will sit.
Where can I find a toi et moi ring?
We have a range of gemstone rings in stock, and we also make toi et moi rings to order. Browse our engagement rings and gemstone rings to see what is in the shop now.
If you have two stones of your own in mind, perhaps from jewellery that has been handed down, that is a conversation for our bespoke service.
To see how the style looks on the hand, and how it sits beside a wedding band, book a time with us in Ashford.
Frequently asked questions
How do you pronounce toi et moi?
Roughly “twah ay mwah”. You will also see the style called a two-stone ring.
Can a toi et moi ring be resized?
Usually, yes. With the stones at the top and a plain band underneath, it can generally be made larger or smaller at the bench like most rings, and we resize rings in our own workshop. A band set with stones or a pattern all the way round is harder; our post on ring resizing explains why.
Does a toi et moi have to be an engagement ring?
No. With a birthstone for each of you, or one for each child, it works just as well to mark an anniversary or a birth, and it can be worn on either hand.
Which metal suits a toi et moi?
The same metals as any engagement ring: 18ct gold in yellow, white or rose, 9ct gold, or platinum 950. White metals tend to let a diamond take centre stage, while yellow and rose add warmth. Choose with the wedding band in mind, since the two will be worn together; our post on which metal is best for a ring you wear every day compares them.
